


set up for failure

by pandabrite



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, One Shot, just them meeting nothing out there or anything like that, pre glamour springs, takes place right after the events of stolen century
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-03 20:45:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12755886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandabrite/pseuds/pandabrite
Summary: sazed doesn't have a lot going on for him in his life, at least, until he meets a very lost and very confused high elf on the road.





	set up for failure

**Author's Note:**

> day 15 of taz nanowrimo was write about a stranger. so, like, here's a thing. the prompt list is from tumblr user lucretia-the-director. this is from sazed's pov, only because i wanted to capture just how odd taako's confusion is from an outsider's view. there's nothin' sketch here.

He’d been scoping out this Stagecoach for three days now. 

Sazed had trekked this stretch of road many, many times, and it just so happened that the last time he made his way through, there had mysteriously appeared a big, fancy Stagecoach, emblazoned with the tagline Sizzle it up With Taako… whatever that meant…

But the entire time he’d been in the area, he’d… well, he’d seen no movement. No sign of anyone being around… there wasn’t even any light inside the thing to give someone away. So, like… it seemed abandoned aaaaand sort of like fair game for someone like him.

Someone who had nothing.

Easy pickings when it was just here, in the middle of a clearing, in the middle of nowhere.

He’d waited until nightfall, just in case, before heading back from his campsite a mile or so away to get to work picking this thing apart for any valuables. Sazed figured he’d take what he could, if not the whole damn thing-- hell, go big or go home, right?

However, as he approached, it was painfully obvious that he wasn’t the only one with the same idea. Sazed ducked behind a tree, tail swishing in an agitated manner behind him-- there was someone there… the owner of the place, maybe..? 

Fuck, had he squandered his chance by waiting too long..?

There was a woman lingering near the rear of the wagon, a tiefling, like himself… and a human man… 

They were inside, but Sazed quickly picked up that this couldn’t be the owner of the stagecoach-- no… the back door had been unceremoniously kicked in. He could see the latch hanging loosely to the side. Well, shit.

What a waste of time.

Sazed spat to the side, kicking a cloven foot at the root of the tree he’d ducked behind. Oh well. Whatever. He’d just chalk it up to a loss and remember not to wait around next time…

But as he moved to head back from whence he came, a ruckus roused his attention.

There was wait… shit, was there someone _actually_ in there? Was there someone in that damn stagecoach that had appeared absolutely devoid of life for so long..?

He was, well, stunned… The obvious sounds of a struggle rooted him in place, and he couldn’t help but wait, hesitating for some reason that was beyond himself.

Sazed could only vaguely see what was happening, darkvision and all that, and with a curiosity he couldn’t really contain, he headed to the side to get a better vantage point. 

There, inside, he could see three silhouettes… the human and the tiefling woman and… someone else. A slender figure, who was pinned against the wall-- It certainly was dark, but Sazed could see easily enough… an elf. Male or female, he couldn’t really tell from his current position… but he _could_ see, very clearly, a knife pressed against their throat.

See, now he was in a moral dilemma. 

_Stay or go?_

He wasn’t really super thrilled with the idea of letting someone just get hacked up and left to die. And if he had been the one to rob the place, he definitely would’ve bailed if he’d realized it was occupied. Killing people just wasn’t really on his radar unless absolutely necessary…

Sazed sighed. Okay. Right. Okay. Do the right thing, or whatever. Sure. 

The tiefling rolled his sleeves up and headed back toward the stagecoach. He’d run them off and maybe get a little reward or something from this elf for saving their life, right?

And Sazed was a capable fighter in his own right… He was also quite figure to look at, which was a curse more-so than a blessing, for he was violently red and infernal appearing. So when he cleared his throat in the entrance of the caravan, teeth bore in a violent snarl, both assailants immediately froze.

The human man drew a sword from behind his back, and Sazed laughed, “Hey, put that knife away, tiny. No one needs to get hurt here if you just scram.”

The tiefling woman tightened her clutches on the elf she had pinned, of whom Sazed could see much better now… He appeared to be a high elf, and instead of looking terrified or angry, which would make the most sense… he just sort of looked vaguely _confused._ Weird?

She hissed, glancing at the human man near her uncertainly, and then at Sazed, “What business do you have here?”

“Could ask you the same thing, lady. I’m his bodyguard,” Sazed lied easily enough, flexing a clawed hand toward the pinned elf, “so, lemme ask you one more time, you want to get the fuck out of here, or do you want me to make this really unpleasant for the both of you?”

The human man seemed to be assessing the situation, sword in his hand, which was still held aloft toward Sazed, “Marqua, we should go. There’s nothing here, anyway.”

“Enris, we have the upper hand! I won’t be run off by some _infernal_ scum. This high elf is worth enough on his own, to the right buyer!”

“No, let’s be on our way. Listen, fella, we don’t want any trouble. We thought this place was unoccupied. There’s nothing here worth having. We’ll go…”

Marqua seemed to be seething with rage, eyes darting from the elf in her clutches, to Enris, to Sazed… and eventually, she conceded, but not before violently _throwing_ her victim at Sazed.

He braced himself and caught the elf, who immediately sought shelter against him. He was tousled and concerned, but seemed fine otherwise. 

“Right, right, you’ve got two seconds to get the fuck out,” Sazed snarled, jerking a thumb toward the door.

“You’re very lucky I have a voice of reason, you trash, or I would tear you both apart and sell your pieces.” Marqua was still hot under the collar, obviously, teeth bore in frustration at Sazed…

“Keep moving,” Sazed was impassive, though his golden eyes did narrow a touch at her words-- _Infernal._ Even among his own kind, huh? What a shitbag.

But they did both leave, which was a relief, because Sazed really wasn’t in the mood to fight… not for someone he didn’t even know. He didn’t make another move until he saw them disappear into the darkness of the underbrush, and then he sighed, releasing the high elf from his hold.

“Um, took you _long enough _,” he snapped, and before he knew what was happening, this elf, who he had _kind of_ just saved, whipped around and thrust a finger in his face. His expression had also morphed from one of confusion to one of disappointment and anger.__

__“I… what?” Sazed lifted his hands in defense, “What are you talking about?”_ _

__“Bodyguard? What-- fuck, what kind of bodyguard just bizz-ounces for _three_ days?”_ _

__“You- I-- I’m not… you--” Sazed looked flabbergasted, but this elf seemed _serious_ , “you… are you okay, man? You understand I was lying to get them to leave, _right?_ ”_ _

__As soon as Sazed said those words, the elf’s bravado seemed to deflate, “... Oh. … Um, alright-- sort of awkward then… I-... welp-- egg’s on my face--”_ _

__Sazed didn’t speak, he only watched as this very confused and now frustrated seeming elf turned away from him… he had his fingertips pressed into his temples, and he was staring at the interior of the stagecoach as if he were… like, waiting for it to talk to him, to… tell him something. Like he were _lost_..._ _

__Kinda… um, actually, maybe more than kinda weird._ _

__“Are you okay?” Sazed finally asked again, though he found himself consumed with the desire to actually book it now and not deal with this very, very out there elf._ _

__“I’m fantastic,” he finally replied._ _

__“Oh...kay… your name must be Taako, right?” He wasn’t really sure what was compelling him to linger, but… just something about the very, very lost way he was staring into nothing kind of, well… he felt a little bad, he guessed?_ _

__“What gave it away?” He spoke with his face pressed into the palms of his hands_ _

__Sazed jerked a thumb instantly toward the wall, “Sorta painted all over it. In big, gaudy, obnoxious letters. You own this place, right?”_ _

__“... I… think so?” Taako lifted his face from his hands, “... Yeah, I mean, I must, right? That’s the only thing that makes sense?”_ _

__“... You _don’t know?_ ” _ _

__“Get off my dick, okay?” Taako furrowed his brows, foot tapping on the floor, “I mean, yes. Of course. Yeah, it’s mine. It’s got my damn name all over it. So, sure, that makes sense, right? The logic tracks.”_ _

__“... you-- uh, have you been hit in the head or something?” Sazed approached cautiously, and Taako seemed to edge away a bit._ _

__“Not that I know of,” and under his breath, he mumbled, “not that that seems to mean much, I guess…”_ _

__Sazed halted in his approach as Taako scooted away from him, acknowledging his desire keep his distance, “well, Taako. Lemme just say, you’re not really in the best neighborhood around these parts. You… um… you should probably get this show on the road.”_ _

__Taako was silent, and with an empty expression, he turned and gazed toward the front of the stagecoach. Slender fingers twisted together in his lap as he chewed his lower lip._ _

__“Oh...kay. Well, I’m out. You’re welcome, I guess, for helping you not die.” Sazed decided that the conversation was pretty much over, at this point, so he was just going to amscray before things got more weird._ _

__“... I… can’t.” Taako finally admitted._ _

__Sazed stopped in his tracks and gave him a scrutinizing look._ _

__“What do you mean you _can’t_? How the hell did you get here to begin with?”_ _

__Taako huffed, dragging his hands down his own face, “I haven’t got a clue, not a single idea, my guy-- I don’t think I- uh- I honestly don’t think I partied enough to end up here on my own.”_ _

__“Uh-huh… are you _for sure_ you haven’t been hit or something?” And this time, despite Taako immediately moving away from him, he approached and pressed his fingers into Taako’s hair, poking around-- surely to GOD the only thing that could make this elf so daft would be a fuckin’ concussion or something, right?_ _

__“I mean, I don’t think I did--” Taako didn’t resist after a moment, allowing him to feel around his surprisingly uninjured head, “My head is killing me, but… I don’t-- I don’t think I got reamed or anything. I- uh-...” And his head was in his hands again, followed by a frustrated goan._ _

__“So you’ve got a stagecoach with your name all over it that you apparently can’t drive… do you… what _do_ you know, huh?”_ _

__Taako lifted his face, and the look he gave Sazed actually… was pretty pathetic._ _

__“Lemme be real with you… not a whole lot. I mean, I got… I got small details, but… I know some stuff, important stuff about me, about Taako, but not a whole lot about this whole shindig here, if you feel me?”_ _

__“Sure, I _guess?_ Do you know where you are? Like, where the nearest city is?”_ _

__Taako was silent, and he looked away._ _

__“... Gotcha. Okay. Where are you from?”_ _

__“New Elfington..?”_ _

__“Okay, do you want to go there?”_ _

__“I mean, no, not particularly. Um, listen, fella-- lemme-- did I catch your name?”_ _

__Sazed hesitated, before shaking his head, “No, you didn’t. It’s Sazed.”_ _

__“Got it, Sazed, listen-- I’m not gonna sugar-coat it, I’m… fucking not sure where I am or what I’m doing. Which is sort of tripping me out, kind of a Twilight Zone sort of vibe here, and I’m not super fond of it…”_ _

__“Well, I can’t say I blame you for that, I guess…” He was surprised-- he was being pretty honest about everything, despite the fact that he was a total stranger and a total stranger that maybe _might_ have kind of sort of been planning on robbing him… _ _

__Taako seemed to be wrestling with something, so Sazed decided that he’d give him time to figure out what he wanted to say before he bailed._ _

__“I-...” He worried at his lip again, “I… well, I- … I…. um…”_ _

__“You need help?”_ _

__Taako jerked his head to the side, ears pinned back against his head-- but he didn’t contest the observation. Sazed could see it written all over his pretty face. He was probably too prideful to outright ask for help from a stranger, or, well, maybe it was because he didn’t trust him enough to ask?_ _

__He’d figure out later that it was a little bit of both, but for now, he’d just accept the silence at face value._ _

__“I can get you to the next city,” Sazed glanced around, “so you can… do… what, a cooking show? Do you even know what you do?”_ _

__A huff was Taako’s only response, and he glared around the room again before getting to his feet, “Of course, yeah. Sizzle it up with Taako-- that’s me. I mean, it must be, right? Sort of a context clue, connect the dots kind of situation.” He vaguely motioned toward all the cooking supplies._ _

__“Well, let me ask you something, then, Taako. I don’t guess you would mind cooking me some food in exchange for getting you to safety? I’m starving and I’d really appreciate it.” Sazed figured while he was here doing needlessly philanthropic things for pretty, confused elves, he might as well get something out of it, right..?_ _

__Taako seemed to consider that for a minute before nodding, “Sure, easy. I-- yeah, I can do that. It’s a deal, alright, boyo?”_ _

__“Just Sazed, please,” the tiefling stiffened his shoulders a bit, but he did head toward the front of the stagecoach._ _

__“Gotcha-- okay, get ready for the best meal of your entire life, Sazed, my main man, because I’m going to knock your socks off--” he hesitated, noting that Sazed didn’t really… he had hooves. Those were his hooves. “I-- if you wore them, anyway, right, that one sorta fell flat, but it’s fine.”_ _

__Sazed… chuckled, despite himself-- now that this elf wasn’t clutching his head and mumbling incoherently, he was kind of charming, in a weird way. Full of himself, a little all over the place, but…_ _

__Taako seemed to pick himself up quickly as he headed for a stove. He was sort of inclined to watch, but he _did_ promise to get him to the next town… it was about an hour away, so that was plenty of time to cook a meal, right? Then he’d be on his way. He’d put some good karma into the world, or whatever, get a decent meal and… that’d be it._ _

__So he took the reigns of the stagecoach-- it had been a long time since he’d had anything to do with horses, but he got them moving easily enough, coaxing the stagecoach onto the road and to the north, toward a small village. He’d at least leave him somewhere safe, somewhere he could get his bearings and maybe, like, a doctor or a checkup or something._ _

__Because damn, he needed _help._ And not the kind of help Sazed could give him._ _

__When they finally arrived, it was late in the evening. Sazed stretched lazily before he hitched the horses and headed back inside-- only to freeze in shock at the sight of the spread of food that Taako had made during their hour or so of riding._ _

__“H-... holy shit-- this is enough food for like… _ten_ people…”_ _

__Taako was standing haughtily over his work, twirling a whisk in his hand while other rest on his hip, “Yeah-- sorta got hit with the fever. I… guess I dunno how to cook for only two people. But it felt good to back in my element, I guess.”_ _

__“You guess?”_ _

__“Yeah, sure, cooking’s gotta be it, yeah? I mean, c’mon, look at this smorgasbord of delight and tell me this isn’t what I’m meant to be doing?”_ _

__He wouldn’t question it-- the fact that he didn’t _know_ whether or not that was what he was meant to be doing or not… the food did look and _smell_ great. Sazed approached and eyed the spready curiously-- he had said ten people, originally, but he guessed it was more like seven, huh?_ _

__That was kind of a weird number, but that seemed to be how it was portioned out. Seven cuts of chicken breast, seven plates of sauteed vegetables, seven corn muffins…_ _

__Seven?_ _

__“Well, I’m not complaining,” Sazed shrugged and helped himself to the food. Taako followed suit, looking much less lost and a bit more, well… cocky? He wasn’t sure if that was the right way to describe him, but the way he sashayed across the room and plopped right next to him on the loveseat sure seemed to translate that way._ _

__“Bon appetit~”_ _

__“Right--”_ _

__… And damn, if it wasn’t the best fucking food he’d ever put in his mouth. Sazed wasn’t a boastful kind of guy-- in fact, he was pretty reserved at the best of times-- but even he couldn’t resist the satisfied sigh that escaped him as he slumped back in the seat, “... Okay, you got me, you’re _definitely meant to be doing this._ ”_ _

__Taako seemed chuffed at his response, “What did I saaaaay~?” He nudged him in the shoulder._ _

__Sazed was quiet for a minute, and in his silence he was thinking… formulating. This… this might not be a bad gig, if he could nab it. Taako, this woefully lost elf, seemed like he really needed help._ _

__He had the setup already, and apparently a _show_ , so… why not stick around? Drive him places? Help him out with… well, whatever..? For a homeless tiefling, it didn’t seem like such a bad idea, right?_ _

__“Say, can I pitch you an idea?” He leaned forward, propping his elbows on his knees._ _

__“Sure?”_ _

__“... So, you… I don’t want to make assumptions, but you’re sort of lost right now, right? And you can’t really drive a stagecoach if you… can’t drive a stagecoach. Plus you, uh… you could use a little muscle, I-- well, what do you think if I stuck around for a bit? I mean, until you get your bearings?”_ _

__Taako was silent for what felt like waaaaaay too long. … He seemed to be wrestling with his thoughts again, gaze focused far away from him. Sazed felt the back of his neck get a little hot-- was that too forward, maybe? Of course, he’d be gaining from this little exchange, too… but it was kind of symbiotic relationship, right..?_ _

__“... I don’t, um… lemme be honest, I don’t have any way to pay you right now.”_ _

__“I sort of figured. But, look, if you’re gonna be cooking like _that_ every day, then I guess that’s good enough for me, for now. I don’t have anywhere else to be, anyway.”_ _

__Taako actually looked fleetingly sympathetic, if only in an ‘i-can-relate’ kind of way, “... Well, I… look, I usually fly solo. Look out for numero uno, here, _me_ … but… I mean, I figure as long as you don’t cramp my style, that seems amicable enough to me, sure.”_ _

__“Well, I mean,” he glanced down at himself, “I don’t think I will? I think you’ve got enough to cover for both of us.”_ _

__Taako puffed his chest a little, “Oh, flattery will get you _everywhere_ , my man.”_ _

__Sazed smiled, and then extended a clawed hand, “Shake on it?”_ _

__… eventually, though there was an extended hesitation, Taako did reach out and shake his hand._ _

__“Just until I get my shit figured out, capiche?”_ _

__“I know, that’s fine. I can pull my weight, Taako.”_ _

__Taako seemed satisfied with that, and after considering the scene, he smiled, “well, then, Sazed, do me a solid and take care of cleanup duty?”_ _

__Sazed… looked from Taako to the mountain of dishes, then back at Taako-- but when he looked _back_ , the elf was already on his feet and headed toward the door of the stagecoach to the outside._ _

__“Hey-- woah-- wait, where are you going?”_ _

__“Well, we gotta get this show on the road, right? Time is money. I’m scoping the place out. If I can put on a decent enough performance here, maybe we can get some coin lining these here pockets, huh?”_ _

__Sazed seemed a little floored-- for someone who had no clue what he was doing just an hour or so ago, he definitely seemed confident about it now._ _

__“Just hang tight, I’ll be back~”_ _

__“Alright, I’ll be here,” Sazed glanced at the mountain of dishes again, scowling, “cleaning up. Or… whatever.”_ _

__Not the most glamorous gig ever, but it would do for now._ _

__… but only for now._ _


End file.
